I'm really struggling at the moment with my work. I can't seem to care more than the level it takes to get started. I don't want the weekend to end and think with dread about weekday mornings – or even the next morning as a weekday/weekend split does not always make sense for PhD students like myself.
I think my lack of focus is definitely key. I have recently sorted out my living situation substantially so that working is easy and life is much easier now. I was using COVID-19 as a scapegoat with the changing situations stopping me from working and thus giving me an excuse for not progressing in my studies. To tell you the truth, I don't think I've ever really 'progressed' during my studies. I know some things more about very esoteric things, but my fundamental knowledge is cripplingly shaky. I'm not sure what to do anymore; I don't have much time left at this rate, before quitting is really the only option out of this torment.
I'm trying to think what I would do with my time if I were to take some time off: I have some ideas. It would cover a well-rounded education that I think would really benefit me in terms of my understanding of the world. The good news is that in the past year my perspectives have shifted and for the better (one hopes). I feel just a few months out would really progress me in my thinking. I will post a draft syllabus in my next post, but for now, know that it contains philosophy of science, greek and roman thinkers, programming, and in general living life without dread or a sense of impending 'doom'. I know I am incredibly privileged, rationally, but my brain likes to dramatise regardless. Hopefully, one day at a time, I will get there.